Heroes@Home: Part II-Transitioning from Life Running You to You Running Your Life

PART II
Foundations of a Daily Constitutional - Self-Compassion to Self-Care
 
For better or worse, most of us experience our minds as an elephant who sits on our shoulders – sometimes heavy when life is tough, sometimes weightless when life is grand. This elephant breathes down our necks, much less observes social distancing, no matter how much we try to push it out of the way. The elephant represents that inescapable voice in your head, which critiques your every move. How quickly does your mind jump to negative self-talk when confronted with events beyond your control? For most of us, it is likely all too often. Self-evaluation is a common habit in our hyper-drive culture.
 
To clarify, negative self-talk is not your conscience telling you to do the right thing or reflect constructively on your personal behavior in consideration of others.  The negative-self talk, like living in constant comparison to others, is toxic judgement and destructive self-criticism that has no productive purpose in your personal growth (see Resources – Carson and Helmstetter).
 
Consider envisioning your elephant operating like a mental feedback loop in your life. When your behavior produces desired results, you continue to do that behavior to continue to get the results you want, like a reinforcing or positive loop. The elephant feels relatively light; you hardly notice it is still sitting on your shoulders. When your behavior does not produce desired results, the elephant feels like dead weight. Its weight is a wake-up call to pay attention to its presence and it rarely goes away on its own. Try seeing the weighty feeling as a signal, a balancing loop - an opportunity for self-reflection and learning. Wisdom tells us that sometimes, the greatest gifts in life come in ugly wrapping paper. Negative self-talk blocks your ability to reframe challenges in constructive ways. It feeds your deepest fears and activates your defenses. Sometimes, it causes destructive behavior thus reducing your chances of attaining the outcomes you want. Reflective learning acts like a course correction and helps you constructively modify your behavior, putting you on a path toward achieving your aims.
 
How do you prevent slipping into the destructive cycle of negative self-talk? There are two, interrelated strategies – self-compassion and self-care. Both involve developing a sense of mindfulness about how you relate to yourself, others, and your world. Self-compassion (Neff, 2009, 2011) is being kind to yourself, as a friend would treat you when you seek their advice or the support you share with friends suffering through a tough time. Self-care (Denyes, Orem & Bekel, 2001) is the practice of activities individuals initiate and do on their own behalf to maintain life, health and wellbeing. It entails taking care of yourself – physically, mentally, and spiritually – understanding you are as worthy of care as anyone else. Putting on your oxygen mask before helping others in an emergency is an example of the principle of self-care. You help others best when you are primed to do so effectively - not depleted and inept. Self-compassion allows you self-care. Together, these two work best when you practice them regularly. To learn more about these strategies, check out the recommended reading selections. A mastery of self-compassion and self-care serve as a foundation for you running your life and not vice versa.
 
Routines for Purpose, Productivity, and Progress
Once you have a self-compassion and self-care in practice, you are ready to evaluate how you spend your time. Re-establishing new routines facilitates continuity and coherence when these practices truly reflect your life’s purpose as expressed in the time you spend that essentially reflects your values and priorities.  When you feel adrift, distractions make it hard to focus on what matters most. Start by taking stock of your current schedule and compare it with your priorities. Do they match or are they out of alignment? Dig into the details by documenting everything you do for a week. This comparison can be starkly revealing of priority gaps between what you think is important and how you spend your time.  Examine how you spend your hours. Compare your priorities and values with the amount of time you actually spend devoted to them.  For example, if you believe relationships are your top priority, then why are you spending more time at work than necessary? Are you at the center of your life? Or, is your work the center of your life? What do you need to do to shift more time toward what really means the most to you?
 
When we hear Harry Chapin’s Cat’s Cradle (1974), we rarely connect it with our own lives, yet it illustrates precisely the disjoint between values and actual time spent aligned with them. Are you spending your time aligned with your values and priorities? If not, then assess your life in terms of people, places, and activities occupying your time by asking – who and what boost or deplete your energy. Who supports you? What drives you? What entraps you? Self-evaluation is also self-confrontational – it takes fortitude to declutter your life of people and things that do not add meaning and value to you. Discomfort stemming from constructive self-reflection is not an excuse to pass on this opportunity for personal growth. You have just encountered your comfort zone – stretch! This is no time to stay stuck on autopilot in your relationships, your career, or your health, or your spirit.
 
While this pandemic necessitates physical distancing for health and safety reasons, experiencing restlessness, feeling unmoored, and psychic numbness compound a sense of isolation and powerlessness. Recognize your ability to act has not been paralyzed. When you get an anxious sense that you are drifting and aimless, it is time to assess your goals, priorities, and values relative to your life’s purpose or mission. Establishing new routines will help you feel a sense of structure and continuity as you reimagine your life. What does that look like?
 
Maybe it looks like honoring yourself - recognizing you deserve to keep your commitments to you! Fundamentally, it means nourishing your mind, body, and spirit with positive engagement, healthy food, daily exercise, sufficient sleep, and inspiration. You monitor the quality of the media you consume. You might read more, meditate, get your financial house in order, take an online course, or learn a new skill. You may schedule down time for your relationships with others or blocking time for yourself to reflect in a journal, explore art, start gardening, develop a craft, master a musical instrument, or virtually volunteer.  What brings you joy? Think creatively - try revisiting activities you loved during your childhood and adolescence to bring them back into your life or try exploring activities you have dreamed about doing.
 
Take some time to consider what works best for you in concert with the rhythm of your life – more or less structure. What keeps you engaged and motivated? When are you most energetic and least? Use your energy flow to reimagine your schedule. Leverage what has worked for you in the past and tailor it to your current reality. Strike a balance between productivity and play.  Once you are comfortable with your new routine, write it down and post it visibly to remind you of your commitment. Over time, your new habits will become constitutional anchors for your life going forward.

Like most of us, you may find this process challenging on your own. Professional coaches and mental health experts can guide you toward you running your life so it is not running you.

This pandemic is a major disruption in our lives. During disconcerting times, we have an opportunity to notice natural beauty as a tonic for stress that we often overlook in our busy lives. Momentary mindfulness of the beauty around us as we move through our days helps develop appreciation for the cycle of life as a continual process of revitalization. Use this opportunity to creatively destruct old routines and learn new ones that serve your future. For Part I of this article or more about Learned Resilience, see www.maryedson.com.
 
References:
Caspi, A. & Roberts, B. W. (1990). Personality continuity and change across the life course. In L. Pervin (ed.), Handbook of Personality: Theory and Research. Guilford Press. pp. 300--326.

Chapin, H. (1974). Cat’s Cradle. Verities and balderdash. New York: Elektra.

Hall, E. T., & Trager, G. L. (1953). The analysis of culture. Washington, DC: American Council of Learned Societies. Retrieved from https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED035325.pdf
 
Maslach, C., Jackson, S. E., Leiter, M. P., Schaufeli, W. B., & Schwab, R. L. (1986). Maslach burnout inventory (Vol. 21, pp. 3463-3464). Palo Alto, CA: Consulting psychologists press.
 
Neff, K. D. & Vonk, R. (2009). Self‐compassion versus global self‐esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of personality, 77(1), 23-50.
 
Denyes, M. J., Orem, D. E. & Bekel, G. (2001). Self-care: a foundational science. Nursing science quarterly, 14(1), 48-54.
 
Recommended reading:
Taming Your Gremlin, David Richard Carson (1984, 2009)
What to Say When you Talk to Yourself: Powerful New Techniques to Program Your Potential for Success, Shad Helmstetter (1986, 2017)
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff (2011)
Take Time for Your Life, Cheryl Richardson (1998)
The Art of Extreme Self-Care, Cheryl Richardson (2009)

---